My summer has officially begun. The ants are back! Regular readers of this blog may recall that I battled them last summer too. But when I wasn't squishing the little bastards, I was enjoying the tweets of these 5 warriors...
@fireland He's doing something very unique with his tweets. At their best, they read like micro-stories. He won't disappoint you.
@lukeinvan I have long admired the tweeting of this bitter Dad. Hat's off! You should add him to your list today.
@rsmallbone I've been following this maniac since I first got on Twitter. Multiple recipient of the Blue Lanugo Medallion For Excellence In Tweeting.
@Zaius13 Somehow this ape man manages to capture something universal and human in his tweets. Follow him now.
@Jim_Hamilton A recent discovery. Was lucky enough to catch his standup show a few weeks ago. Highly recommended.
Friday, July 03, 2009
Follow Friday - Independence Day Edition
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Batman
Handshake fail
Just ran into a pal at this crappy (so far) rock show. We were both with friends and travelling in different directions, so we only had enough time for a handshake.
He went with "The Pope," while I went with a "Fist Bump.". I wound up punching the palm of his hand.
AWKWARD!
Oh well.
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
My comedy education
Just started a standup comedy class, a 10-week boot camp designed to turn me into a standup comedian. Ten weeks from now, I will get up on stage before a room full of strangers and try to win them over with my "set." I am thrilled. I am terrified.
Tonight is easy; I am doing homework. As the sun goes down, I sip a fine Irish whiskey while dictating "premises" into a handheld recorder. These "premises" don't have to be funny; it is more important that they be true. In fact, that's the only thing the matters, tonight.
Look for updated reports on my comedy education by visiting this website on a regular basis.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Feedback
Becoming a better writer is a lifelong journey, and there's always room for improvement. I'm appreciative of anyone who takes the time to let me know how I'm doing. Recently, I've received some feedback in the form of web reviews. There's good news and bad news. Let's get the bad news out of the way.
Although the tone of this review is harsh, it makes some good points. I HAVE neglected my blog for these last Twitter-obsessed months. I do need to include explanatory text with uploaded pics and videos. Regarding the pics: in my defense, I was in the feathery midst of a pillowfight while uploading those images. It was done in the heat of the moment. But that's OK. Message received.
The reviewer's main point is this: I shouldn't talk about Twitter on my blog. It's with this point that I disagree most strongly. She doesn't actually explain why it's "wrong" to talk about Twitter on one's blog; it is put forth as a foregone conclusion.
It's true that, for the last few months, I have been talking a great deal about my latest obsession. But it's not fair to say that's all I've been putting up here. What about the fiction?
Twitter has a place here. More than anything else, it's gotten me excited again about writing online. I would argue that it's tightened up my writing. Writing <= 140 characters has been an invaluable exercise in pithiness. I would also say that it's gotten my writing noticed by the right people. By "the right people," I mean people who appreciate me. They demonstrate that appreciation by following me. Now, when I write something, it gets read. So Twittering has helped my writing in terms of both craft and exposure. I don't view Twittering and Blogging as separate pursuits. I will continue to discuss Twitter on my blog, even if it annoys some people. There is a way that it can fit with my blog, and I am determined to find it.
Fortunately, I fare better in the second review.. This is the good news!
Thanks to @love_bites and @grundy for the feedback.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Follow Friday - Starting a permanent list
@rexhuppke - This joker supposedly writes for the Chicago Tribune. His tweets are golden. GOLDEN!
@maggiemight - More like MAGGIE WILL crack you up. Her stuff always makes me happy.
@slag_mag - Super solid tweets. He's destroying the system from the within. A true tweet warrior.
@kolchak - Prolific and talented. I think he should seriously consider changing his name to "The Mighty Kolchak."
@adamisacson - This guy's stuff is bulletproof. A master of understated comic tone.
@hisnamesLen - He's from NYC, but he's not a dick about it. Criminally under-appreciated. A funny fella. Follow him and you'll see.
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Mimmy - part 3
The first thing Hector did was shut off the gas at the side of the house. The second thing he did was call the doctor. Polly bandaged her eyes up while he turned on the TV. Reports of the quake were coming in from all over the city. Hector couldn't get the call to go through. That there was no cell phone reception was no surprise; the electrical grid was down in many parts of the city, and fires were popping up all over.
Polly said "Oh yeah. Mimmy got out."
In all the panic, Hector had forgotten the cat. Rising, he dashed through the home, calling her name.
"I'm telling you. She got out."
"How can you be sure?"
"I see her."
It was then that Polly explained the image that had been seared onto her eyes. It was made up of greenish lines, floating on blackness, and now, with the rumbling having subsided, she had been able to contemplate the image hovering before her.
"I can see read the names of the books in mid air as they fall from the shelves. I can see the expression on your face as you look at me from the safety of the doorway."
"I wanted to run to you, but..."
"And between your legs, I can see Mimmy escaping."
Hector burst from the bungalow and out onto the grounds of Pine Creek Village, the gated community they called home. He ran over the alpine-themed footbridges, along the muddy banks of the chlorinated brooks, overflowing now from broken and spurting water pumps. He ripped through bushes, yelling "Mimmy!" down pathways, growing increasingly desperate. For it was beginning to dawn on him that, if he was unable to find her, she was probably never coming back.
Sometimes in long term relationships it becomes necessary to tell what might be termed "white lies". Mimmy had been one of the small things that Hector and Polly had disagreed upon. Polly believed a cat should be allowed to roam free; Hector did not. It was simple as that. Polly always wanted to throw the windows and doors of the bungalow open, Hector wanted them closed. And so, in order to keep the peace, Hector acquiesced. But secretly, he obtained a bag of something called Silent Roar, which was a powdered lion dung that alot of guys at the gym used to sprinkle into their smoothies, believing it to be a holistic and all natural way to pack on muscle. Hector's idea was that, by sprinkling Silent Roar liberally around the perimeter of the bungalow, he could convince Mimmy through her nostrils that, just outside the door, the apex predator of the savannah prowled. In this way, he was able to simultaneously agree with Polly while protecting his pet.
What he hadn't counted on was the earthquake, which would so terrify the cat that she would race through this "wall of scent" he had erected. Now that she was on the other side of this barrier, his once brilliant-seeming stratagem had, apparently, backfired. Increasingly desperate, filled with dread, he searched until after sunset. Defeated and exhausted, he returned to find Polly on the steps to their apartment. He sat on the steps beside her and, putting his arm around her, pulled her close.
After a while she said, "Did you know that disaster comes from the ancient Greek to mean bad stars?"
"No, I didn't."
“We had earthquakes in Mexico, and right after, my Grandma would make us go out to kneel in the yard and pray. We would be very scared, but then Grandma would point to the sky and show us how the stars were brighter after an earthquake."
Hector looked up. Probably due to the electrical outage, and the lack of light pollution, the night sky did seem brighter than he'd ever seen.
"My Grandma said that it was because God was bending down to listen to our prayers."
"Seems like it would be easier to just not have the earthquake happen in the first place."
Even so, Hector silently mouthed a prayer, to whomever might be listening, that Mimmy would come back.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Mention in the Chicago Tribune
One of my joke tweets was included in a Chicago Tribune article about comedians on Twitter.
It was an honor to be mentioned in the same article as a bunch of Twitter big shots.
I wanted to tell my Dad, but I've disappointed the man enough already. He doesn't think I'm funny.
I told my Mom, and the first thing she wanted to know was, "How much are they paying you?" I started to tell her about what an honor it was to have one's work recognized in print, but she didn't seem very interested. Hopefully, this means she won't be following me. If she is, I don't want to know.
T Shirt Contest
There is a T-shirt contest on Twitter that I wouldn't mind winning, since there is $340 prize money. It was originally reputed to be $500, but $160 turns out to be t-shirt credit. Well, that sucks.
But some of my things have gotten nominated. If you want to help me out, maybe you could vote for one or more of my tweets. By voting yes, you're not committing to buy anything; you're just telling the website that you'd like to see the tweet on a shirt.
I think the one I would like to most see on a t-shirt is the one about cubicle slaves. Not because it's the funniest; it's just the best one for a t-shirt. That's just my opinion.
Vote on my nominated Tweets
Friday, May 15, 2009
Here's one fella ready to take on the day
Not sure what he's smoking out of that cigarette. Appears potent.
Friday, May 08, 2009
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Monday, May 04, 2009
unfollowing rampage
I began twittering without a sense knowing what I wanted out of it. I was just another person trying it out. I signed up with some trepidation. I thought "Twitter"? Sounds like "fritter" or "twit". Sounds like the opposite of what I need to be doing. You see, at the time, I was spending HOURS a day playing various word games on Facebook. I already had a way to waste time. But I signed up anyway. Nothing happened. Twitter is not exactly intuitive, is it? A conventionally attractive female with a headset does not pop up and say WELCOME TO TWITTER! Even MySpace had Tom!
I had to figure it out on my own. And so I started following everyone. People followed me back. I started Twittering, and people started noticing me, following me. Etc. When people followed me, I usually followed them back. Eventually, I had a bunch of people following me, but I also had a page that was cluttered with stuff I didn't care about: SEO bullshit, what's in some dude's breakfast burrito, people telling each other "YOU ROCK!"
I'm not saying these people are "Doing it wrong." When people say that, I feel like they miss the WHOLE POINT. One of the most amazing things about Twitter is that you can use it any way you want to. THERE IS NO WRONG WAY.
Everyone has their own answer about how they want to use Twitter. That is the beauty of the whole thing. I love Twitter, and I now feel like I have an idea of what I want to do with it. For me, Twitter is a tool for me to find my people. By that I mean people that appreciate me or that I appreciate. Some day, I would like to stop driving to a windowless room and working with databases. I would like to start making a living by writing. Twitter is going to help me accomplish that.
So it is time to cut back on the amount of people I'm following. I know that this is going to piss some people off, and that it will get me unfollowed. I'm OK with that. If you got unfollowed, try and understand. It doesn't mean that I dislike you. In fact, I still follow many people that dislike. Total assholes! It's just that they manage to do it in a way that is entertaining and/or informative/useful to me.
I probably seem like a one eyed giant, drunkenly staggering across the tundra and clubbing baby seals willy nilly. And yes, I will admit that I am taking a certain amount of delight in all this unfollowing. When I come back to my page, and it's filled only with what interests me, it is delightful. But HEAR THIS: it is a bittersweet delight! It feels like breaking up. Feels terrible at the time. But, afterward, you realize it was for the best. I hope you can see that.
Saturday, May 02, 2009
Fiction
Hi.
So I just posted the next little piece of my fiction story, Mimmy. It used to be 35 pages, but I'm trying to rewrite it as a lean and mean 12 page story. Going to throw it up here as I get the parts written. If you see errors, mistakes, things that bug you... please feel free to let me know. I just want it to be good.
Mimmy - Part 2
What they couldn't have planned for was Diffuse Lamellar Keratitis, aka the Sands of the Sahara, a rare syndrome occurring in one out of every 300 laser eye surgeries. Caused by an infection of the cornea, its causes the sufferer to see whorling dustclouds. Polly was to stay home from work for 10 days, keeping her eyes bandaged, so that her tender eyes be allowed to heal. They didn't move the furniture around that week, so blind Polly could feel her way around.
Deep beneath the earth, another transformation was taking place. The tectonic plates beneath the earth had pressed against each other, without release, for too long.
At 9:58 am, March 23, 2013, "The Big One" struck LA.
At 9:58 am, Hector was putting his key into the lock of the bungalow. He was sore from his workout, and felt weak. His first sense of something unusual were the dogs. First in the distance, then closer, until it was on all sides of him -- what seemed the howl of every dog on the earth. He pushed open the great wooden door as the shaking began. This is how Hector happened to be standing in a doorway when "The Big One" struck.
At 9:58 am, Polly bolted upright on the sofa where she lay, looking around despite her bandaged eyes. Everything began falling. Books spilled from the wall, a scrim toppled, and pictures swung on their hooks. Above, the chain of a potted plant snapped, causing the pot to tilt crazily and dump a shower of stones.
Polly called out for Hector, but he remained in the doorway, saying " I think it's an earthquake."
Raising her pale arms to protect herself, Polly replied "Gee, ya think?"
Why Hector remained in the doorway, why he did not run to her, this question would trouble him for many years. He had never been in an earthquake lasting more than a few seconds, and so he kept assuming this one was about over. But the shaking only grew more violent, and he grew more frightened. He stayed where he was as the quake continued - the fast moving and violent P wave, followed by 12 seconds of the slower moving but far more destructive S wave which tore buildings from foundations, toppled freeways, and burst gas mains throughout the city.
On the couch, Polly felt helpless - blind from the bandages and listening to crashes surrounding her. Despite Dr. Blanco's strongly worded warning, she pulled the bandages from her eyes. In that moment, but for only that moment, she could see. The light was too much for her tender eyes, and it seared her corneas with a greenish afterimage of the room. She squeezed her eyes shut from the pain, so that when The Big One finally subsided all Hector heard were car alarms outside and his screaming wife within.
He picked his way through the debris and asked "Are you OK?"
Polly was on the ground, doubled over, covered in plaster dust. "Something is wrong with my eyes."
Saturday
It's strange to be in my office on a Saturday. Usually people are bursting in, waving a sheaf of papers, demanding I DROP EVERYTHING BECAUSE THERE IS A SITUATION. I might even managed to accomplish some stuff today.
That is, if I can quit dicking around on the internet. Twitter, what have you done to me? I can't stop Twittering!
Yesterday was #followfriday. That's when the people who follow you tell the people who follow them - about you. That is, if you're lucky. Yesterday, I was lucky. I am extremely grateful for the all shout-outs I received, and the resultant influx of followers.
Going to try and slow down over the weekend. Would be nice to get some longer writing done. I've been neglecting my blog as well as fiction writing. That needs to change.
Speaking of fiction writing, I'm going to be posting the latest draft of my story up here, in bits as I get it written. Of course, that means it will be appearing in reverse order (ie. Chapter 1 will be below chapter 2 ) because that's how blogs work. Just saying.
I got while listening to David Copperfield (a work originally published in serial fashion) while on my daily commute. Great book but the kid kind of a wuss! Always on the verge of breaking into tears. In all seriousness though: Dickens could have struck out every use of the word "little"; the book would have been just as good and half as long. It's "my little elbows" and "her little petticoat" and a "little red window". Ugh. Pass the barf bag, whydontcha?
Um.
What else?
Oh yeah.
Here's another way I've been wasting time, this morning...
Have you ever wanted to have your very own Diamond Dave doll that would sing excerpts from "Running With The Devil" when you pulled a string? Yeah, me neither. But now that I've fiddled with this Running With The Devil Soundboard a bit, I see there's no need to clutter up my apartment with any more kitschy junk; I can just do it online.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
View from the inside the tent
Monday, April 20, 2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Mimmy - Part 1
Like every other couple, Hector and Polly thought they could be different. They were not going to fall into a rut as their lives became intertwined. No, they would continue to grow, even as they loved one another. So they would surprise each other, by wearing costumes, sneaking up on each other, and by by sleeping on alternate sides of the bed each night. Every week they would rearrange the furniture in the bungalow they shared. The idea was that by, continually changing, they would never fall into a rut, never stop growing, and so keep the fire burning.
At the beginning of the year, they made a deal. They would make a change they had been meaning to make. Polly would finally get her eyes fixed, and Hector would get off performance enhancers. As planned, in the first week of January, Polly got her operation and Hector cut off the juice.
Hector's monstrous body, ready to begin a growth cycle, but starved of the blood boosters, began to feed on itself. Hector began shrinking. He would have to work harder than ever, to prevent becoming lopsided or misshapen as his body adjusted. And he had to do so with a significant dimunition of strength. It was humbling to now be intimidated by weight that six months ago he could have jerked over his head with a smile. Now there was pain etched on his face.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Dodgeball with "The Dads"
I had so much fun playing dodgeball with The Dads on Monday night. I can't wait to do it again. I've been daydreaming about things I want to try. 
My knee is still kind of messed up. I'm walking around with one of those knee wrap foam thingamajigs on it. It's keeping the leg straight, and so I'm walking around like a wooden legged pirate. I imagine people feel sorry for me as I limp by. I want to tell them: "It's OK; it's just a temporary injury!"
The smart thing to do would be to go to the hospital. I know what the "smart thing to do" is, yet I don't do it. Not sure what that says about me.
Seems a little better today.
I mean, I can sort of bend it.
I'm fine.
Melissa Stetten was at the game taking pictures, and I was lucky enough to end up in a couple of them. As you can see, she's terrific with a camera, and I highly recommend you check out her photostream.
I was told to get a light blue shirt for the game but, as you can see, I got a shade that was a little brighter than the rest. Probably made me an easier target for enemy balls. 
Thanks to Melissa for the nice pictures!
Melissa Stetten's photostream.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
About dodgeball
Remember how dismissive I was? Well, as I lay here with a bloody knee, my ass kicked... I take some of that back.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Recruited onto The Dads

Got recruited onto a dodgeball team yesterday. My buddy's in a league and they were a guy short. Even though my "hipster bullshit" meter was registering, I agreed. I haven't played in 20 years. Trying to remember how it works. Is there more than one ball, or what? Studying the rules today. Also have to pick up some tan shorts (part of the uniform). I guess this league is kind of like that movie "The Warriors" ... that is to say : each team has a "theme" that the members are supposed to adhere to. My team is called The Dads. My buddy broke down the Dads concept thusly "We don't talk shit or grab our nuts or act in any way aggressive. We just smile and are good sports." I shouldn't have any problem with that. Shit, I mean, that's more-or-less how I was going to behave anyway!
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Want to rest
As I've gotten more followers on Twitter, I've begun to feel this pressure to be funny all the time. And I don't mean sort of funny. I mean everything has to be some kind of huge joke. It's exhausting. I need a break. Right now, I feel the way I feel when I'm at the beach and I get out of the waves and come back to lay on my towel. Happy, but with my head still spinning from the waves. Today I took an old tweet that was good and I made it sharper. I'm allowed to do that, since I'm making up my own rules.
Monday, April 06, 2009
Beck - Lost Cause
The charming @nictate reminded me of this album today.
Happily, I am a million miles from where I was -- last time I was listening to this song over and over.
Downloaded the tab for this and tried playing it. I've gotten pretty good this year! Broken through some kind of wall... my fingers are just kind of doing the right thing now. Very weird and very cool. Finally! Still need to practice though. Obviously. I have 3 songs now though and the plan is to start playing them around town, in little places. I keep my guitar in the car at all times, just in case I come across an opportunity to pop my cherry. 
Sunday, April 05, 2009
Finger Dancers
Mmm! At Curry Festival in Thai Town. Learned so far: Actually, I did NOT invent the art of finger dancing, 20 years ago, in detention.



