acceptable topics of conversation

Many guys think first dates are for spilling their guts all over the table because (the thinking goes) since I'm a hot mess anyway, the sooner she knows about it the better. By "many guys" I am speaking about myself.

Gentlemen, I'm here to tell you that I've made this common-blunder. Far too many times! Perhaps you can learn from my mistake(s). Humans (most humans) are complex creatures, with many facets and, when on a first date, it is vital that your "best foot" be put forward.

Perhaps this concept might best be illustrated via an ancient story! There once was a room that had an elephant in it. Three blind monks stood around the elephant. One held the trunk, while another had his arms wrapped around one of the creatures thick legs. The third poor bastard hung from the tail, his sandal-shod feet barely touching the ground. The master of these blind monks strode into the room and beheld this curious scene. After stroking his beard for a minute or two, and finding some stray food amid the long gray strands, he asked of his students: What is this creature? And where the monk who held the trunk described the creature as flexible and strong, the monk who held the leg disagreed. He declared the creature to be thick and inflexible as an oak. The third monk, who dangled from the tail and was covered with dung had yet another perspective. He thought the creature to be spindly and foul smelling. And so the blind monks began to argue among themselves as to the creature's "true nature". The master listened to their noisy quibbling for a minute or two. While listening, he plucked a few more noodles from his beard. Suddenly he cried: "SILENCE!" The monks fell silent then, cowed by their master's obvious displeasure. The master said: "Listen, you dipshits, never mind that. I just want to know what this fucking elephant is doing inside the temple!"

Later, when those blind monks lay naked on a cold stone floor, covered with welts from the hiding they'd received, two of them nearly came to blows in the pitch dark over the true nature of the creature that had gotten them into so much hot water... this "elephant".

Really makes you go "hm."

Wise up gents. See that foot of yours, the one that is covered with fungus? Thats not your best foot, so don't put it forward! There will be plenty of time for that, down the road. Heed these words! Alot of guys I talk to think its "cool" to talk about shitty dates from the past on a first date. They think: well, since we're here talking about shitty dates, it must mean that we are not on a shitty date ourselves. But this is merely a trick of the mind! Hearken, my lonely brothers! Is it not possible to stand atop a mountain and speak of other mountains? When you speak of other mountains, does the ground beneath your feet disappear? NO! Talking about bad experiences and crazy people from the past in no way innoculates you from having a bad experience at that very moment. In fact it might be inviting those demons in, by opening the door to negativity. Keep the doors shut. Stay mum.

Speaking of Mum, why not talk about how much you love your Mom? If you don't love your mother, talk about a favorite pet. No pets? Don't be an asshole. You know what I mean. Stay positive! And, if you discuss pets, do not discuss the death of said pets, or the behavior of microorganisms (no matter how interesting it is.) Say you saw footage of a beat down on You Tube, or a hyena tearing into a giraffe carcass... These are unsuitable topics for first date conversation! Your political leanings are best left unmentioned until at least the third date, and even then I wouldn't recommend it. Why invite trouble by mentioning the overseas imbroglio our nation finds itself in? Do not bring up the wounds you still carry from high school because she will find you pathetic. And rightly so! Buck up!

You want a job? Here's your job. Your job on the first date is to exude confidence. Think you can manage that, you gutless chump? Have you ever won a raffle? Well close your eyes and remember that feeling. This is the "headspace" you need to be in, if she is to look at you and think that you can provide for her theoretical children. She's looking for winner (i.e. not some pussy who never felt that his father was proud of him or who carries around around the regret of having backed down from a fistfight in hallway E 20 years ago.)

Positivity is KEY!



Now get out there and win her heart!